Checks and Balances

the self-coaching edition

Hello from Oklahoma, where fall has fallen, and politics remains a taboo subject. The weather has finally broken, with temps in the 40s at night, perfect walking weather during the day. I’m not sure that I can survive Oklahoma summers anymore, but for now I can forget about that problem for six months. A lot can change in six months, just saying. Who knows! But for now LET’S GO

I learned a lot about myself on my 7-week jaunt this summer. I learned that my skin loves Hawaii but my scalp doesn’t (the struggle is real). I learned I can edit books in lots of different places, including airplanes, balconies overlooking the sea, next to pools, other people’s dining room tables, and kitchen islands. I learned where things are in other people’s kitchens, how to cook HelloFresh meals, and when to leave the room when it’s clear that your hosts would prefer some time without you in their face. And of course I re-learned that I love the Talking Heads.

I got to spend quite a bit of time with a few people I don’t usually see, and one thing that really stood out to me was that fact that some of my friends can really get a lot of sh*t done. Like, they get going and they do stuff. I was awed by how they could just identify something that needed to be done, and then actually do it. This seems a bit foreign to me. Why?

Because on my trip I also learned something about my autistic self. One day on a walk through someone else’s neighborhood, which is way better than mine, by the way, I listened to an author podcast. The host is really annoying, but the guest caught my attention. It was an author who was there to talk about their class or webinar or coaching group or whatever, for author moms.

I know, right? How on earth could that be relatable to me, someone who has never been a mom and is way older than the target audience. Well, at the very outset, the author explained that they had issues with their executive function skills. They never said what that was due to, but it doesn’t matter anyway. But it resonated with me.

What is executive function? According to the interwebs, which basically, when you search for executive function gives you twenty articles whose SEO summaries read exactly the same, these are skills that people use to do things like plan tasks, understand how long those planned tasks take, prioritize tasks and information, regulate emotions, and stay focused.

Oh.

Well, now I have a name for the thing that explains most of my life.

Clearly, it’s not like I can’t put on pants and hold jobs and learn things and appear as a normal human being. But it is really hard to figure out what to have for lunch.

And make decisions. And figure out how long it takes me to do something. And stay focused on one thing. And prioritize goals/tasks/food choices based on something other than emotion. And to keep emotions out of decision making.

You might be thinking, hey, I do all that stuff too, that’s just life. And maybe that’s true—these issues are not strictly reserved for neurodivergents. We don’t have the market for procrastination and bad decision making cornered, by any means. But it does mean we are prone to getting stuck more often.

The author on the podcast hired an executive function coach. Well isn’t that nice! That must be nice. I don’t have the budget for that.

I told a friend about the author and the executive function coach (that could be a good name for a romance novel, no?) and she said she hired one for her oldest kid, who was also neurodivergent, in a different way than I am. It helped him get through school and create habits and routines that turned his life around. He began to enjoy school, and is now doing really well in college on the East Coast.

Well heck. I wish I’d had one of those in school! Or you know, like, right now.

But there are other things I can do on my own. I hope. Like what?

I’m still trying to figure that out, but I have made some progress. These days, I make a lot of lists. And I review those lists. (Before, I’d make lists but not look at them. Not very helpful.) Prioritizing is still kind of hard, but I’m making progress. Next I want to create a more rigid structure for my week (read: I want to create a structure and adhere to it.) In short, I’d like to keep creating structure. I’m not sure how though—I just did a search for how to be your own executive function coach and nothing came up. Personally I think there’s some opportunities there…

Let me just explain a few things here though. I am not in favor of hustle culture and trying to maximize my potential productivity every minute of every day. I do not want to draw blocks of time in my planner and schedule bathroom breaks. So much of that schtick is a fallacy, and rigidity results in inflexibility. But for someone who can’t quite get their sh*t together without some extra structure, plans and lists are good.

I think of this as the Executive Branch of my brain. And yes, that leaves room for the Legislative Branch (I vote for chocolate!) and the Judicial Branch (I feel guilty about eating that chocolate).

It’s a working theory, but I’m ironing it out. I’ll keep you posted. Right now I need to go check my to-do list.

clearly in need of an executive function coach

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