Coffee Analysis Project #5
What's Sanskrit for 'coffee?'
Welcome to the CAP! Here you will find astoundingly accurate personality analyses based on a photo of a cup of morning brew. Call it a gift or a curse … either way I can suss you out by your submission. With that, let us embark on another journey. LET’S GO
This edition of the CAP is brought to you by LB, in Wagoner, OK.
LB says she doesn’t drink much coffee and this photo was snapped on one of those rare occasions that she allowed herself to partake. She needed some extra gas in her tank before she started her Sunday morning dominatrix session. I mean yoga class.
I do happen to know that LB is a yoga teacher and not a dominatrix. Well, I’m not 100% sure what all of her hobbies are but that’s not really my business so for now we’ll just go with yoga teacher. But honestly, who uses bamboo yoga blocks? That’s pretty hardcore!
Let’s see, we’ve got a strap, those dangerous blocks, a mat, and list of torture ideas that she’s going to try to pass off as yoga poses. Y’all, I have seen LB on coffee, and I barely lived to tell the tale. It’s not pretty. Her students are in for a rough time. You take a fiery, feisty woman and you give her caffeine and you’ve got a nuclear explosion in yoga pants. Wait, that didn’t sound right. You’ve got a fireball in a forward fold? I give up, you know what I mean.
LB’s coffee is foamy. Foamy? I think this might be because she filled the mug right up to the very top to GET THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT from her “one cup” of coffee, but her pit bull got to it first, drinking part of it and slobbering into her brew. The color of the coffee is nice though—a rich brown. That mushroom coffee with organic goat milk creamer creates nice coloring!
The mug has been around the block a few times (Like LB?). Small chips on the rim indicate it’s a beloved piece of pottery. It was purchased in 1991 in the parking lot of a Grateful Dead show while she was ingesting those other kinds of mushrooms and has been part of her kitchen collection ever since. Don’t tell her husband Jeff that every time she drinks out of it she remembers that concert and how she went backstage and … well, we won’t spill all her secrets.
The yoga strap is tangled and the list of poses is long—harbingers of doom for her students. Her favorite thing to do when she’s teaching while on coffee is to make students race through a sequence of active poses and then hold a handstand for ten minutes. The strap is for an advanced version of “cat chasing its tail” done while in a headstand; her version of a gentle cooling down at the end of the practice.
My advice would be to check with LB about whether she’s had coffee that morning before you sign up for a class.
Want to participate in the CAP? Hit reply (or email email@example.com) and send in your photo, which should include your typical morning beverage, and a little background scenery for context. You won’t be sorry! Okay, maybe you will, but still.