Looping through the loops

spiraling through existence

Hello, welcome to the latest tome off the Weird Bookshelf. Hope all is well in your mental and physical space today - and hey, thanks for being here.

Looping through the loops

I recently finished listening to one of the most terrifying audiobooks I’ve ever heard. It wasn’t a horror story, or a thriller. It was called Ultra-Processed People: Why We Can’t Stop Eating Food That Isn’t Food, by Chris van Tulleken.

The short version of the plot is that Ultra Processed Food (UPF) is everywhere, is very very bad for us, and food corporations have no incentive whatsoever to help us eat food that is actually food. Like, zero motivation. None. In fact, it’s the exact opposite.

We all know that fast food is bad for us, so is sugar, hydrogenated oils, blah blah. But then there’s everything else in the fine print. Palm oil, an ecological disaster as well as a chemical nightmare for your body. The “flavorings” – an industry that completely self-regulates itself as far as safety of ingredients is concerned, and chemical additives that skate around FDA guidelines easier than a teenager at a roller rink in the 1970s. There is no testing done on the unnatural, unholy sh*tstorm they put in your name-your-product-here.

UPF is literally everywhere. While the definition of ultra-processed isn’t completely black and white, you will find unrecognizable ingredients in the most unlikely of places. And the most unfortunate of places. Like, in things you thought were “healthy.” (I tried to buy raisns from the bulk section of a nearby store. Ingredients: raisins and plam/safflower oil.)

Every chapter I listened to in this book astounded me. I listened to the one about the lack of regulation on additives and was like, “NO WAY.” Then I listened to the one about what UPF can do to our gut microbiome and was like, “NO F*CKING WAY.” Then the one about all the “research” studies determining UPF as safe all being funded by big food corporations that stand to benefit, and was like “NOOOOOOO WAY.” And then there was the chapter about the environmental consequences of mono-culture farming, the damage to our earth done by single-use packaging, and the treatment of animals raised for the production of UPF products. By that point in the book, I was speechless and headed toward a prolonged existential funk.

I still think I eat pretty healthily. It’s all relative, and if a trip to Wal-Mart is any indication I’m farther ahead in the game than most other shoppers in South Tulsa. Sure, maybe Whole Foods shoppers are smarter than me, but in this part of the country, those people are in the minority. This is Wal-Mart, Sonic drive-in, deep-fried meat country, y’all. But I was floored when I realized my “healthy choices” were also fraught with traps. My Danish Butter Cookies? Invert sugar and “natural flavoring.” The Ghiradelli chocolate that supposedly has a lower content of lead and cadmium (a whole other terrifying ball of wax)? More natural flavoring. My gluten-free rice and seed “chips” to enjoy with my hummus? Stuffed with a bunch ugly chemical names. Well, at least the hummus gets a thumbs-up.

I don’t like the idea of being addicted to anything. I don’t have an addictive personality, and can have cookies or chocolate in the house and not eat the entire package. Nonetheless, I know I’m addicted to the flavors and textures of some UPF. I might not eat the whole package of cookies, but I also can’t not buy them.

And it really p*sses me off that I’m supporting the whole stupid system. The cycle that is driven by profit, shareholder rights, growth, progress, etc. It is all unsustainable, but we all pretend not to know that.

How do I get out of this loop?

The answer is, for the most part, at the grocery store. More conscious choices, more label reading. More whole foods. But it is hard, and it is not cheap. More of my hard-earned, self-employed income goes toward feeding myself food that won’t kill me. Many people don’t have that option.

The same night I finished listening to the book, I logged in to check my retirement accounts. Which has been fun lately. I know there will be another crash, or dip, or what have you, but when things are going in the right direction, I like to see the green on my screen. It makes me feel a little more secure.

I have some money saved for “retirement.” I have been saving since I got my invitation to participate in Barnes & Noble’s 401(k) back in 1992. I don’t have a ton, but I am okay, even though since leaving corporate-job-ville in 2015, I haven’t been able to contribute much. I know that is bad. But at least I have some savings, and I still hope to save more before I officially retire someday (although I hope to continue being a writer until my eyes or my brain or my heart or whatever body part gives out first stops working).

So I logged in and smiled at the nice green number. I worry about money. Green makes me feel better. Maybe I will be okay.

But of course, my being okay in retirement largely depends on the same companies I just got super mad at while listening to that book.

How do I get out of this loop?

Everywhere I look, the loops are closing in.

A 16-year-old non-binary child was beaten by classmates in the girl’s bathroom and died the following day, just up the road in Owasso, OK, earlier this month (early autopsy results say their death, the day after getting their head bashed against the floor, was not due to “trauma” so okay, sure).

AI threatens, well, everything.

It is February, and this week it was as much as 27 degrees above normal temperatures for this time of year. 

My food is trying to kill me, I’m probably breathing in microplastics right now, and lord knows what’s in my water.

Maybe I should just get it over with and jump into crypto trading.

Most days, the built-in biological urge to survive is in place. I feel appreciation and gratitude. I am happy the sun is shining, and my body is feeling good. The birds are excited spring is near and they make me incredibly happy. I’m not often lonely, though I miss my parents and my friends who are spread out all over the place because they have better sense than me to not live in Oklahoma.

But some days, the loops are too loopy, you know?

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