The Thing About Why I'm Doing This Thing

I keep going back and forth about “announcing” that I am autistic. Like those long FB posts where someone shares with everyone their life-changing news/revelation/product. I guess if it’s not on social media it doesn’t really happen, right? Meh. So far, I haven’t. It’s been almost a year since I found out. I still might though, as an explanation to my friends on why I keep telling them about “this week’s post on my Substack.”

Most of my family and close friends have known for a while. And you. You know, that’s probably all that counts.

I’ve also been thinking of how to explain why I started this publication. Why all this life stuff, I write fiction! Yeah, mostly. But people keep journals at one point or another all the time. This is one of my journals. I was also blogging back in 2006 about life stuff. (My blog was called Ambitious Hamster. Looking at it from this new perspective, that’s pretty darn funny.) I’ve blogged off and on for years. So it was just a matter of time before I started again.

the ambitious hamster logo, c. 2007

I couldn’t figure out how to explain why I wanted to start blogging again, this time under the heading of “neurodiverse humor” (can that be a thing?) but then I checked out this book from the library. I’m only about 50 pages in and have already been brought to tears a few times (which is saying something because I DO NOT CRY ABOUT STUFF). The book has already given voice to things I’ve been feeling and wondering about and gives me hope that there is room in this world for all of us, no one’s “doing it wrong,” and neurodivergent humans can be anything we want to be.

So as of today, here are some reasons why I’ve started writing TTATT.

Because after years of feeling like I’m doing everything wrong, I finally have a framework from which to understand there’s no such thing as doing anything wrong. I’m decent at “masking,” (I’ve had 53 years of practice), but I tell you what, it is f*cking exhausting. I don’t want to do it anymore, I can’t do it anymore, the price is too high. That said, it’s really, really, really hard to let go of the old programming that says something is wrong with me. Hopefully writing this newsletter helps me work my way out of that. And maybe as you read along, you’ll find it interesting and hopefully at times funny. Because why not look for the humor in things? Sometimes you just gotta laugh through the tears (I cry in my head, okay? Lol).

Because taking the time to put things into writing helps me make sense of my own life. This is true for everyone, isn’t it, regardless of whether they are neurodivergent or not, so in that regard, this is like any other blog or memoir or journal or whatever. Only, this is my attempt at it. See next point.

Because it’s important to have neurodiverse writers lending their voices to the narrative. For example, at first I thought all books about autism out there would be about how to raise kids with autism. But lo and behold, I’ve discovered there are some written by grownups who are on the spectrum! Yes, we all know about Temple Grandin, but that’s one voice. Daniel Bowman Jr. is another. Guess what? There’s room for a lot more voices.

Because it’s scary for me to say the words “I am on the spectrum” and if I get more comfortable with it, hopefully I can normalize it for myself. (Normalizing it for everyone else would just be a bonus). But what if my admission makes someone uncomfortable? Honestly, that’s their problem, not mine, I don’t have the energy to worry about this one much, but still, I do. It’s the old, But what will people think? thing. Oh well. I do also worry about how this might affect the work I do, but I can’t change who I am, so it’s gonna be whatever it’s gonna be.

Because I am a writer.

the last decent photo taken of me and my mom together, 12/31/10. quote from steve jobs, photo from 2012.

Thanks for reading!

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