dyor!

how to be a crypto bro

I would call this a midlife crisis, but technically I think I’m past midlife and I’ve been having crises since forever, so we’ll just call it a life crisis. So I’m in the middle of a life crisis, where I’m not sleeping well, alternating between fretting about the plot of my next book and lamenting the slow and steady decline of my physical body (mental one’s been declining for years, now the rest of me is catching up).

So what is a girl-of-a-certain age to do in between hot flashes?

I had an idea. I actually alluded to it in a previous post, and now I’ve gone and done it.

My partner’s youngest son financially set for life at the age of 25. He’s done this in part by trading NFTs and crypto, but also by developing businesses around those products. He is … a bro. Some family members have been doing a lot of eye rolling at his ventures, which I get (read: this is not a real job). Personally, I’m impressed. Granted, he’s never wanted for much, but he’s also decided to make his own way. I’ve known him since he was 14, and I’m happy for him that he’s out there living his best life, even if it is on the 51^st floor of a Miami apartment building.

I’ve signed up for his newsletter, and I follow him on Insta and YouTube. I’m the total antithesis of his target demographic but I like to see what he’s up to.

Last weekend I finally asked him for a favor: let me into your fancy private Discord for crypto trading, please. I promised I wouldn’t reveal my age or that I was female.

Ten minutes later I was in.

Bro!

I’ve been watching crypto for a while (who hasn’t?). I’m in the “regular market”—the one that is heavily regulated and for the most part moves slower than the speed of light. I sometimes play around with simple stock trades. But crypto? What is that?

Please don’t ask me to explain. I’ve been trying to get educated, but it’s like the proverbial drinking from a firehose that’s not spraying water at you but instead weird terms you’ve never heard of before like degen, hot wallet, bridging, and sh*tcoin.

If you follow any of this stuff, you might have heard that ETFs (exchange traded funds, traded on stock exchanges) are now able to purchase Bitcoin directly, instead of just purchasing futures contracts. Which means, the more money people put in to those ETFs, the more crypto the ETFs are legally obligated to buy, to invest their investor’s funds. This may have interesting implications for cryptocurrency.

Crypto has fascinated me. How can you make money trading air? But that’s all “regular” stocks are too. That’s all our retirement accounts are, and our bank accounts. Anything other than what’s in our wallets or our Secret Closet Stashes is imaginary figures we base our self-worth on. So in a way, getting into crypto is a short leap¹.

the only money that isn’t imaginary. photo: Andre Taissin on Unsplash

The partner’s kid said when I got into his Discord, I should inform his admin team that I know him personally. Special treatment, even better (read: please help the old person).

The first admin to contact me with a welcome message was a woman (supposedly?). I wondered if that was on purpose, but nonetheless I felt a bit relieved. She cut/pasted their standard instructions on how to get started trading and has since answered all kinds of questions for me, like on setting up a VPN to get around trading platform restrictions. Yeah, it’s going to be a while before that happens.

I’ve been lurking around the Discord, popping in and out of the different threads. It’s very well organized! I go one place to see the latest thoughts on which sh*tcoins are cooking, another place for possible meme coin investments, and I can also plumb the depths of degen trades in another spot. So much stuff!

I’ve got access to the “Accelerator Group,” where old pros speaking a language I can’t understand mingle with new Crypto Bros, who ask about chart candles and what “DCA” means. (That’s dollar cost averaging, and if you don’t know what that is, you shouldn’t be trading anything but baseball cards, imho). Someone asked how they should start if all they have is enough money for membership to the trading group and $50. I don’t think he got very many responses. I thought about replying and politely suggesting he use it to start a Roth IRA, or maybe just go out for dinner. But what do I know?

In case you were wondering, the real way to make money is to trade using leverage—borrowing funds to amplify your own funds. (Buying the actual coins is called “spot trading,” as opposed to “funded,” leveraged trading). The pro traders in the group, who post their own trades and recommendations so we all have access to their knowledge, regularly put up screen shots of +3,000% moves. That is impressive for sure. But they also spend all day (sometimes longer) online watching, back testing, researching. The Kid told me “Some of these guys are in DEEP.” That’s an understatement.

So far, I’m still just lurking in the Discord, marveling at the lingo, counting the number of “bruhs” I come across (also “haha” seems to be big, when did that replace lol?). I doubt I’ll get into leveraged trading, I doubt I’ll look at IPOs for speculative degens. Surely there are some other boring buy and hold oldsters out there?

But still. I feel so bro-ey.

I now have Coinbase account. And a wallet. And I have bought three cryptocurrencies and a meme coin. Here I go.

Bro!

*dyor means do your own research. So none of this is investment advice. But I’m pretty sure you’ve figured that part out.

¹ I’m very aware of the environmental impact that cryptocurrency and its surrounding businesses have on the planet. In my research, I’ve discovered some people are out there trying to create a positive impact on the industry, but I struggle with this and it’s probably why I’d never go full-throttle on crypto. This of course brings up the issue of morality and investing—what is my IRA really invested in, anyway? And that’s a conundrum to ponder on another day.

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